FUNCTIONAL FITNESS FOR THE REST OF US

As many of you may already know December 23rd is the day we officially celebrate Festivus. So for all those that may be celebrating today here are a few helpful tips and pointers on how to make it a most enjoyable one.

Festivus Tip #1: Don't perform the Feats of Strength with Grandpa. His place smells like potatoes and so does he.

Festivus Tip #2: Always dress appropriately for Festivus. A denim vest with snaps can been considered to be too casual. A nice puffy shirt is more formal but you can be sure that people will heckle you with "Avast ye matey"! - there's no comeback for that! Maybe a Technicolor Dreamcoat and a furry pimp hat would be the best way to go!

Festivus Tip #3: It's okay to cry before, during and after the Feats of Strength. Don't feel bad! A lot of people tend to cry when they see two out of shape grown-ups smash their bodies together.

Festivus Tip #4: When preparing a well-balanced Festivus feast, keep in mind that Jujyfruits is not really fruit and Marble Rye should not actually be served on a fishing pole.

Festivus Tip #5: When you go to fetch your Festivus pole from the crawlspace, make sure you don't get distracted by other items that you may have in storage, such as a used Waterpik, the set from the Merv Griffin show or even a large carton of tinsel.

Festivus Tip #6: When Festivus is near, always be on the lookout for Festivus miracles. Did a parking spot open up right in front of you? Did the candy machine drop two Twix bars when you only paid for one? Did your fear of clowns give you an excuse for skipping a trip to the circus with the kids? These all count.

Festivus Tip #7: Any good Festivus party must be rife with Seinfeldisms. For example, any guest's conversation should always be quickly directed to a Seinfeld reference: 

Guest: They opened a new Chinese Restaurant in my neighborhood
Host: Do they make you wait forever, then call out Cartwright when they wanted you?
Guest:(Strange look)

Guest:: I brought my car into the shop
Host: Did the mechanic kidnap it and then drive it to Michigan?
Guest:(Strange look)

Guest: I have a new mailman
Host: Is he addicted to Chunky Bars and Kenny Rogers chicken?
Guest: (Strange look)

Festivus Tip #8: Airing your Grievances can be cleansing for your soul, but think about holding back on certain complaints, such as Grandma's clicking dentures that sound like "La Cucaracha", Uncle Jim's National Guard war stories or Cousin Tim's amazing unibrow.

Festivus Tip #9: If you are serving paella at your Festivus gathering, make sure you don't make too much. You don't want too much! Then you'll be wondering "What am I supposed to do with all this Paella?" Also, make sure you serve some cake after the meal. Who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill you to put out a pound cake? Something! You don't want to have people sitting there like idiots drinking coffee without a piece of cake!

Festivus Tip #10: When looking for old crap to regift at Festivus don't overlook some of the obvious: The Waterpik you won in a computer sales contest, all that extra Chinese gum you accidentally bought, a Cigar Store Indian you once thought was "kitschy" or even a leg lamp collection that is even too "fragile" to be put on display.

Festivus Tip #11: When the Airing of Grievances occurs someone may throw a real doozy at you. Whatever it is, you may wish to avoid the subject all together. Try to throw them off by telling them that you have a gum guy. Tell them that you have a friend in the gum business and if you make one phone call boxes of gum will be delivered right to their door. If that doesn't work, try doing some Jose Jimenez impressions... or promise to get them an autograph of Keith Hernandez.

Festivus Tip #12: Festivus is not over until the head of the household is pinned. In wrestling they have a referee, so it might be a good idea to appoint someone as a referee at your Festivus gathering. But don't use Granny, she really enjoys it when there is a good tussle. She'll probably never declare the match ended.

Festivus Tip #13: When preparing to air your grievances, you might be wise to make notecards. What's more embarrassing, losing your train of thought or standing in front of everybody reading from notecards? On second thought, cancel the notecard idea!

Festivus Tip #14: Your Festivus pole shouldn't cost very much and should never require maintenance. However there are a few pointers that should be followed when using a Festivus Pole:
    1. Don't let any of the guests climb the Festivus Pole.
    2. A Festivus pole is not a "Dancing" pole.
    3. During the Feats of Strength, don't let anyone joust with the Festivus Pole. If they want to joust, send them to Medievel Times.
    4. If the pole is outdoors in below zero temperatures, don't let anyone lick the pole. It's tempting, but don't let them do it!

Festivus Tip #15: It is customary for some people to record the Festivus proceedings on tape. However many people are such that they will not talk if they know that a tape recorder is running. So, secretly place the tape recorder in a locked briefcase. Keep in mind you can also keep crackers in the briefcase, in case you need a quick snack.

Festivus Tip #16: If you are shy, anonymously write your grievances on a sticky note and post the note to the Festivus Pole. You don't have to put your name but you can always put the phone number of the off-track betting place or the local bagel shop just to throw people off.

Festivus Tip #17: December 23rd may be the official day for celebrating Festivus, but you can celebrate Festivus any time you like. After all, Festivus is all about convenience. For example, if the kids are begging to go to the water park, or if your in-laws want you to come over for visit, tell them they can't because it's Festivus. Similarly, if your significant other tells you that they’re not in the mood, tell them that it's a special occasion... FESTIVUS!

Festivus Tip #18: Make sure your Festivus pole is plain and unadorned. If it is too glitzy looking it may attract strippers! 

Festivus Tip #19: Buying gifts for Festivus is frowned upon. But re-gifting old crap is always allowed. Anybody want a Label Baby Jr.?

Festivus Tip #20: Prior to performing the Feats of Strength be sure to sufficiently warm up and stretch your muscles. This is an important step. You don't want to pull anything! Of course, the warm up period could last all night, or at least until your opponent loses interest.