Tuesday, December 9, 2014

A LITTLE DOSE OF HUMOR





Perhaps the most famous bearded man on earth is the one and only Chuck Norris. By now we have certainly all heard of Chuck Norris right? Well if you have not then you need to educate yourself ASAP as he is one of the world's most renowned super heroes (insert sarcasm here). In the meantime, if you know the man the myth the legend himself then you should appreciate these jokes that follow.

1) When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

2) Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.

3) There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

4) Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

5) If you rate Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks as a 5 out 5, then he will roundhouse Justin Bieber's ass.

6) Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life.

7) Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

8) Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

9) Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

10) Chuck Norris has a Grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead, it is just afraid to move.

11) Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke...that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

12) Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.

13) Chuck Norris counted to infinity...twice.

14) Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

15) Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

16) Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.



17) Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

18) When the Boogie Man goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

19) Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.

20) Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

21) Chuck Norris once got bitten by a rattle snake...After three days of pain and agony...the rattle snake died.

22) Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

23) Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

24) When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the earth down.

25) There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

26) Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

27) The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into pre-production. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie that was fourteen seconds long.

28) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

29) Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

30) If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

31) Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

32) Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.



33) Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

34) Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

35) Chuck Norris doesn't lie, he makes up truths.

36) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

37) They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

38) Chuck Norris calls push-ups "earth downs".

39) Chuck Norris can literally kill time.

40) Chuck Norris drew a triangle with four sides.

41) Chuck Norris can speak Russian...in Chinese.

42) Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless telephone.

43) Chuck Norris is so persuasive that he convinced a mirror he wasn't there.

44) Chuck Norris can speak braille.

45) Chuck Norris does not need Twitter...he is already following you.

46) What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris's victims before they died? His shoe.

47) Chuck Norris made his own sign language using kicks and punches, so when he is beating you to a bloody pulp, he might just be saying he likes your hat.

48) We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.


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